loneliness and feeling left out

In the fall of 2019, I experienced depression for the first time.

I remember like it was yesterday, my first semester of college at Liberty. I was so excited to attend college for the first time, become an adult, step into the next stage of my life, and create amazing friendships. The future was ahead, and I was there for it.

 Prior to my gap year at Impact 360, I attended an elementary, middle, and high school where I meet my best friends in elementary school and graduated with them. Senior year was the best year and I loved my girl group.

And my experience at my gap year was beyond anything I would ask for. My roommate became my best friend and my other best friend became my boyfriend (tbh that wasn’t planned but here we are). The Lord truly blessed me with lifelong friendships that I didn’t know I needed.

So, I walked into my first semester into college with no fear of friendships. But little did I know what was coming.

Fall 2019 was the second hardest season of my life. I experienced depression for the first time. And for the first time ever, I lost the desire to read my bible and even talk to God.

If you know me, you know I love people. I need people. We all do.

But that semester, I put so much pressure on creating friendships that when those expectations weren’t meet, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of them. I tried so hard to be friends with people who weren’t pursuing a friendship with me that it felt exhausting. And when I did find someone to hang out with, I often found myself not invited to outings and events that eventually took a personal toll on me.

Until one day, I stopped trying.

I stopped reading my bible in the morning. Therefore, I had no way in fighting the lies that I kept hearing over and over again in my head.

“You have no friends. No one wants to be your friend. You are alone. You are unwanted. No one notices you because no one cares about you. There’s. No. Hope. For. You.”

I have never ever experienced something like that before. And not many people know I went through this season because… well… I do a really good job in making everything looks dandy on the outside.

The worst part was that I didn’t want to leave my depression. I just started accepting it. I remember I would force myself to go to bed early just so I wouldn’t have to listen to my thoughts anymore and not focus on all the things I was missing out on.

I was so deep in depression. It was unhealthy. I became sensitive to everything. I would even cry about 3 times a day.

And I hate to admit it, but at the time my only friend was my boyfriend who was miles away from me at a different school. I knew it was unhealthy, but I felt like there was no one else.

Because I stopped reading my Bible and talking to God, the Lord reached me through Chandler.

Chandler would constantly tell me that I was not alone. I did have friends and that I was putting unrealistic expectations on myself. But when you’re in depression and know you need to do something different, sometimes you just don’t have the energy and willpower to.

But he was so faithful in always checking in on me, telling me that the Lord is with me. That the Lord is my friend when no one else is, and that this was an attack from the enemy. And I was letting him win.

How disgusting.

Chandler commanded me to get off the phone and open my Bible. (And Chandler never commands me to do anything haha)

So finally, I did it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I woke up, trying to get words out of my mouth to talk to God, but I kept blaming him as the reason why I had no friends.

So, I just cried aloud to God yelling, “Jesus, help me.” I need someone.” Help me desire You again.”

I decided to get away from people and hammock in a wooded part of campus. For one hour I opened my Bible, remained silent, and read different passages, begging God to speak to me and help me.

It was a war I tell you. Every ounce of my being didn’t want to talk to God. I wanted to stay in my depression and keep feeling sorry for myself.

What carried me through was not feeling like being with God, but KNOWING I needed to.

I didn’t feel it. I didn’t have a spiritual high and longed to be with the Lord. I remember walking down the stairs and feeling the weight of my leggings not wanting to take another step.

So I told God, “Lord, if you don’t speak to me right now and help me, I don’t know how I’ll go another day. I am not leaving this hammock until I hear from You.”

And you better know that the Living God meet me where I was at.

The best way to combat the lies of the enemy is speaking the word of God out loud.

I came across Psalm 23, a passage I have memorized and once clung to. I began to speak and read the verse outloud over and over again. This first few times my flesh did want to believe it. But once the word of God was spoken into the atmosphere, it was as if my soul was awakened and was reminded of who God was.

“The Lord is my shepherd;

 I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his Name.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid,

For you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presense of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

all the days of my life,

And I will live in the house of the Lord

Forever.” (Psalm 23 NLT)

I started to read each line slowly, soaking up every word and speaking out loud:

“The Lord loves me, He is all that I need.

The Lord delights in me and loves to be with me.

He gives me peace and renews my strength when I’m weak.

He’s my sustainer.

He leads me along the right path.

Even in the darkest of seasons, He is with me.

There is no place where I can separate from the presence and love of God.

He comforts me and provides for me.

His love pursues me. It seeks me out and won’t rest till I receive it.

Surely I will dwell in the house of the Lord,

Forever.

And it was in that moment where the Creator of the Universe became my best friend. Truly.

I left my hammock spot feeling refreshed and like a new person.

I was no longer depressed but filled with joy

I no longer felt alone, but felt the presence of the Lord around me.

It was hard. It was. Jesus never said it would be easy here on earth.

But He did promise to send His spirit, and He did.

He did promise that he will always be with use, and so He is.

Thank you Jesus that you have never left me, and you never will.

<3 bri